Week 7 - Don't Run! Sh*t's About to Get Real.
When something in your life is choking you, there is a great deal of relief when you let it go.
Every week of this journey so far has raised the bar on challenges that had to be faced if I was going to learn to connect with the highest source of all, the Universe, in a way that I could not just be the best version of myself, but in a place of personal peace and freedom. Very soon after surrendering the hold and attachment that I was certain wasn't serving me anymore, I was able to see something fantastic and abundant come through. That was a great experience, and while it made perfect sense to see the light exist in the absence of darkness, this week I needed to question what abundance meant to me. I also needed to understand the underlying essence of letting go, because what came next was absolute fear.
Initially, I felt a great deal of relief that was of course uplifting. Looking back, I can compare the feeling to a power that had lifted me higher. If ascension is rising to a higher level of self, then it only makes sense that there is more distance to fall if something is still wrapped around my ankles, pulling me down. In my mind, it looks like a cord that represents what it was that had me attached to the circumstance in the first place. Closing a particular chapter of my life and releasing the weight of the experience had to have been a quite powerful experience to achieve, because, the fall that came afterward was more intense than anything I had experienced before. While in the spiral of all of the negative things that came through I was initially too busy asking WTF to see what was happening. But, I reminded myself of what the intention of this trip was, and forced myself to take a seat and look at everything around me. "Why is this happening?" "Why after 12 years did this person pop into my life again to remind me of something I so desperately wanted never to revisit?" One after the other in a rapid whirlwind of motion, this week filled itself with circumstances that no doubt would make for a great movie. Person after person dropping away, leaving me not able to understand the disconnect and wondering if I had been losing my mind. It was incredible really, if you like horror movies. Even all of the people that I had been working with for months or years I could not connect. It wasn't that they were out of the office or unavailable. Not at all. It was literally a lack of being able to connect. Like dialling a number and not getting through. Trying another number and not getting through. Switching location for better service didn't do a damn thing to make the connection happen. These were all people that were directly related to what it was that I had let go. Frustration was there of course, but anger quickly set in as well. Lots of it. I kept hearing the words "Don't run." Over and over again these two words would be repeated in my head, and while the circumstances would seem like simply stress to someone else, it took Mother Earth coming to bat to make me stop and scream "Are you serious?"
I'm not going to be foolish in thinking that a tropical storm was designed and delivered just for me. That would be crazy, but once the storm passed there was enough calm to recognize that I chose the time that I would be in a part of the world that would experience so much power coming from the sky. I agree a storm is a storm but, it can be a challenge for someone who has never experienced one to this degree. Day after day, the sky pounded the city and left me stuck inside an apartment that although recently constructed was not built to withstand the intensity. Nope. Of course, it wasn't.
My apartment flooded, and every chance I got to clean it up, the storm would come back to life, and it would start all over again. Water coming through light fixtures in the ceiling and pouring through closed windows made all of the challenges I was dealing with insurmountable.
What I hadn't shared before was that I had become ill. I had picked up something, a bug maybe, but a digestive problem wouldn't bring me down. This week though? Wow, did the SICK ever bring it home. On top of everything else that my world had been throwing at me the physical symptoms became so heightened that all I could think was "I need to get the hell out of here." But, "Don't run" was still on constant replay in my head, and that made me even madder.
I called a dear friend to help me sort out that I wasn't losing my mind, explaining that I just could not pick up on what the message was. God love her, she was so supportive. I could feel through the phone how aware she was of what I was suffering. She said to me, "Leigh, do what you tell everyone else to do. Ask yourself if what you are hearing is coming through your mind or of your heart. Then you will know what to do."
"That's what I mean. It is SO loud that I can't tell." I said.
She knows me well enough that not to be able to distinguish if I was in my head or my heart is one of the scariest things for me to experience. It was only a moment later that she started to laugh, because, it was just as I said: "I can't tell if I am in my head or my heart" that I turned around and banged my head against the metal staircase that I easily maneuvered as many as forty times a day. "Seriously?"
I was so ready to high tail it out of there, get on a plane and go back to where I came from, but, I couldn't. I somehow knew that I wasn't finished and, that if I held on just a little longer, exactly what I needed would come through. And it did. It was the realization that the cord was fear and helplessness. Letting go of a circumstance is for the better. Of course. But the cord, the fear of being helpless, it was still there. I realized that even though things will appear different, what is in its essence still exists, and it will attach itself to something else that will be nothing more than a fog to decrease visibility. Why? Because the truth would be too scary to look at. Like anyone else, I chose to see what was happy and exciting and kept myself too busy in it to witness what was really going on. While good things are great, under the surface, or behind the fog, the attachment to the fear of helplessness was what brought it forward in the first place. The circumstance that I let go was in my life because of the underlying fear that I was helpless and couldn't do it on my own.
Once I realized this, and the staircase went back to where it was supposed to be, instead of in my way, everything stopped. No kidding. It all just ended. Call me crazy, but I have to tell you that the stormed passed that day too. And so, after the third day of only having bottled water to bathe, I decided it was time to go. I wasn't leaving Mexico, but I had decided that it was time to leave that apartment behind. It more than served its purpose. I grabbed my laptop, headed to the cafe and started working on finding a hotel. That decision, I could feel was made from the space of my heart. I knew with every fibre of my existence that the clouds had cleared and it was time to move into the next phase of my journey.