Week 5 - Me Time With Frida Kahlo
If you agree that waking up and taking a coffee to the rooftop to watch the day come alive is a perfect place to reflect, then we can also agree that I am in the right place. Even the cars and pedestrians fifty feet below me don't cloud my ability to take in the serenity of peace and clarity. A gentle breeze that brushes my skin reminds me that I am alive and that I will have my day.
With everything that the last few weeks have provided, this week leaves me with one simple but burning question. "Why?" Why, if I have realized that patience allows a balance between what is beautiful and ugly about life and that I can choose which to follow, is the foul coming through so very hard? The answer, I now realize, is that I am engaging beauty. What I define as something that is good for my well-being and lets my heart sing. However, that which I don't want still exists.
I often speak of how the memory of a traumatic experience will never go away. It will always be there, taunting you to slip down the rabbit hole and walk the path of least resistance. That path being self-pity, fear and shame. To detach from its clutches is to let go of the emotional attachment that keeps the memory weighted to your journey. But is changing that enough? Is forgiveness, changing your perspective and releasing its bond enough to take you to a higher place? No. Sadly, life and the journey to our best-self isn't that easy. So, why is it that we can't change our vibration on a dime? Well, the answer gifted to me this week comes as one word. Grief.
I was reminded that anything I decide to release myself from requires grieving. No matter what it is, big or small, something I can't feel or recognize with my human eye, to let go requires grieving. Because, whether I liked it or not, it was mine. It was part of my life and how I defined who I was. How did this all come to the surface? Even after having passed thirteen years ago, and all the work I had done to heal my wounded mind that resulted from my relationship with my mother, there she was. Front and centre. All week. There were moments I wondered if I had healed her at all.
My mother was narcissistic in so many ways. I didn't know it at the time, but the realization gave me the opportunity to be compassionate and sympathetic with her memory. I won't go into great detail of course, but my life at the hand of this woman was an experience I wouldn't wish on the devil. The challenge with her coming up is that I was able to recognize her in a number of people that came through this week. It was incredible! And, I don't mean in the way that I would want to repeat the experience. There are people in my life that represent that which I don't want anymore and in grieving the loss of even something ugly they surfaced hard and fast.
Grieving is like a jumble of emotions, all of which make me, like anyone else, uncomfortable. Extremely uncomfortable. These emotions are intense, and if what I am feeling is the degree by which I energetically vibrate, then it is no wonder that these people came through. Once I realized that I asked my self "Yeah, but does it have to be so strong?" Well, if I don't want to drag the weight of what I need to release, then I guess it does. So, what is it that I needed to release? Being controlled and giving up a part of my soul that only I should hold close and dear to my heart. Isn't that what a narcissist does? Control and take for their personal gain and benefit? And, at the unyielding cost of who I am with no consideration of my well-being? OK, maybe with some consideration, but I am certain it was only for a moment.
I have come to realize the fine line between giving and surrendering. That all parts of me, every molecule, memory, thought and feeling deserves to be protected.
Yes, I agree that we can't go through life without others serving a role of sorts. On so many different levels, people will come into our lives and bring richness with them. But, they aren't there to determine which way to turn. Richness is something that builds us up and takes us to the next level of who we are meant to be, want to be. And, for that, we should be grateful. But, the journey or path that we call our life is ours alone. To be truly happy and feel the greatest source of personal freedom, we have to realize that we are the driving force that moves us in any direction. We choose it. We own it.
I won't tell you that nothing happened this week that can be considered fun or amazing. In fact, while grieving, I allowed the inevitable phase of indulging my inner child. I made a day all about me and what I want. It started out with my usual outdoor office space at a local cafe. This time, I got to take the big comfy seat that a fan would take the sting of the heat away. Awesome start. From there, I moved to have my favourite dish for lunch. Pasta with shrimp. Yum! Perfectly grilled, and I can say that there wasn't near enough shrimp for my little girl.
If that wasn't enough, dear friend James happened by. What are the odds? I know now that his compassionate, generous and kind spirit was perfectly timed. Reflecting, I can see that it was allowing myself to live from my heart space and bathe in my innocence that the complete opposite of narcissism would present itself in a way that I could recognize that my grieving was over.
We decided to head down to the Frida Kahlo museum at 5th and 8. I love her story. There are a lot of people in history that leave a legacy of passion and creativity through their suffering, but Frida's always stood out for me. It was fantastic. Not much of a museum person, I didn't know what to expect. But, I will say that it was a great reminder that the degree by which we suffer is equal to that which we are blessed to be able to deliver.
So, the message this week? You don't need to feel bad letting it be about you. Because it truly is all about you. Everything you experience is about you. And when you are divinely inspired to release what doesn't work anymore, because the next turn in your journey has opened up, allow yourself to feel the process of grieving. It is scary, I know. But it is real, and it is a part of you. Remember that when climbing a mountain, it is near the bottom that it is easiest and that the view from the top can only be described as pure.
If you haven't seen it yet, and wonder where this sage advice is coming from, you can check out...
Week 1 - Ego Started Right Away
Week 2 - The Universe Knocked At My Door
Week 3 - Beauty, Ugly & Patience
Week 4 - Vagabond Or Warrior Princess?
See you next week!