Dear Husband; You hurt me, and this is what I am going to do.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. True, but when you are in the “Down” it hurts. If that “Down” is because something that your husband has said or done, you feel hurt. You feel disrespected, sad, let down, and even angry.
What happened? Did he embarrass you? Did he say something disrespectful or demeaning to you? Or maybe he just said something so stupid that you are left to stand there wondering “Who the hell is this guy? This is not who I married!”
When this happens to me, I don’t want to stay in the place of resentment and sadness, and know that I have three options to get out of it. I can argue with him about what he said, I can just suck it up and let it pass because I know that he wasn’t himself when it happened, or I can reset my personal boundaries.
You married for love, and don’t want to see a wedge come between you. One that could stay forever and eventually the reason why is even forgotten. Creating space between you and your husband that can ultimately not be retracted. Turning your relationship, even with love, into something sour and filled with resentment.
I don’t like drama, and under these circumstances don’t want to open up a “yeah, but…” conversation or a battle of sexes either. I want to do what is reasonable, what allows me to be heard, and what can be delivered with dignity and compassion. To achieve this, I write my husband a little letter. It goes something like this…
You hurt me, and this is what I am going to do. I understand that there are forces outside of our relationship that played a role in your saying what you said. Respect is paramount in a successful relationship, and I know that for you to continue to respect me, I must first respect myself. With that, I need to reset my personal boundaries. My level of self-respect, and respect for you, does not allow for me to be spoken to that way.
Our relationship is built on dignity, respect, and love. I plan to honor that each day. You hurt me, but I have let go of the incident itself. Please know that it is with the desire to have a lasting relationship, strong and standing on these pillars that I must remind you of my personal boundaries. This is the action I choose in order to respect myself, and our relationship.
I feel sadness for what you are going through to be able to have this happen, and I know that you are committed to our relationship, and want it to be in a space that each of us can feel loved and respected. I ask that you respect my personal boundaries, so that we can continue on the path to having the relationship that each of us deserves.
With all my love…
I would choose a moment of privacy and hand the letter to him. Don’t leave. Allow both of you to witness that you are strong in your request and mean what you are saying. By giving him an opportunity to read it to himself, he is able to better understand what you are feeling. Rather than having to make that decision based on the emotional presentation of an argument or even conversation.
We have a rule about this practice. The floor is open for discussion if clarity is required, but usually this is not the case. Apologies, forgiveness, letting go, and of course hugs are met with both of us understanding that we are not to dwell and turn it into drama, but agree that it is now understood and that we can move forward to better and happier moments. Moments that we both deserve. And want for each other.
This is a very important part of “Letting Go”. Being heard, boundaries, and once letting go of something, replacing it with something more conducive with what you want in your life.
Understand that personal boundaries are not negotiable. They may change over time, yes, but should always remain non-negotiable. Whatever it may be, if you need the boundary in place to feel safe and in a self-respecting/loving place, then it is a boundary that you should have. In any type of relationship that you have, the other will respect that. If they are an emotionally intelligent person, and are a healthy person to be in a relationship with.
It feels good, I mean REALLY good to know your limits, set boundaries and be able to stand up for yourself with them. This is an integral part of the “Let It Go” process. A process that we have great success sharing on our retreats. The “Move Into Your Dream” retreat is held in February and is the game changing first step to creating great things in your life. Held in a luxurious ocean side resort, there is no better place to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Join us and see for yourself the difference it will make for you.
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Until next time…
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