Feeling Defeated Sucks... I Know.
It’s not hard to understand, but it certainly is hard to go through. Defeat feels horrible and it’s a different degree of horrible for everyone. We are taught to believe that defeat is failure, and wow do we ever allow that belief to exist at a time that you finally come to the decision that there is nothing more you can do, and it is inevitable that whatever the situation is, it just isn’t going to work.
Do you remember your divorce, or finally quitting that job, or possibly when you finally gained the courage to stand up for yourself and tell someone that the friendship was over because you didn’t deserve to be treated as such? Of course it was tough, and you can probably admit to a long period of time prior to this that you tried everything you can to commit to your vows, make your boss happy or support that friend. You did everything you could, and nothing. But, when you look back wasn’t that divorce, or other transition in life, seem like one of the best things that ever happened to you?
Yeah, I know. Now it does. At the time, not so much.
Give yourself a chance to recover. How it feels, this too will pass. Without a doubt, the difficulty is directly related to the greatness in the change your “defeat” has in store for you. You are moving into a much better position to continue on your journey. But what about this very moment, when the feelings you have are stirred and have taken over your ability to exist in your passion? Well, I have to agree that it’s a pretty crappy place to be. However...
I was once told by a very wise man (my husband Chris) two words that put it all into perspective. You see, I recently went through the horrors of defeat myself, and I suffered through it just as you would. I spent an exhausting amount of time thinking about what went wrong, what it might mean for the future I had planned, even “Wow, maybe I am on the wrong path.” Those two words literally stopped the spinning wheels of investigating, and thinking, blaming, and started me on the process of healing. “You’re grieving.” That’s it! That was all he had to say to clear the fog and change my lenses to a clear sight. I was grieving. “But what was I grieving?” I asked.
I was able to quickly remind myself that I allowed myself to be attached to the idea of what had failed. That it was part of what defined me. It encouraged me to get up every morning motivated to follow through with the plan and see the vision I had in my mind come to fruition. Never mind the difficulty and challenges it laid out for my path that was once so clear. Never mind the fact that my values were challenged. It was exciting, and I gave everything I had to see it come to life.
Yep, you bet. I was grieving. Grieving the loss of a dream, the work and effort that ultimately only rewarded me with feeling taken for granted and being unappreciated. What a way to see the sun come up after witnessing one of the longest dark nights I have ever had. “So what!” I said to myself. Am I going to believe for even a second that I have never felt that way before, and that I didn’t know that it was only because of my attachment to an external entity that I allowed to sweep me away to a place with glitter, wonder and maybe even the best cotton candy ever? Huh. I’m human. What a relief.
Understand that what you suffer through is not to be measured against anything or anyone else. At that moment, if you feel that it is the most horrible feeling, then it is. It should be respected as such. Your feelings deserve to be respected for what they are. Respected for being an opportunity that you are one of the most amazing things in the entire world. Human.
Humans have the gift of being able to think of and integrate a way to completely change their life. A change that should be celebrated. It takes courage, resilience, and passion to move away from something that isn’t serving you, and once you are able to see that, and do just that, you are well in the place of being the magnificent human being that you are.
So, I ask that you respect how you feel, and honor the heart and mind that you are. Allow yourself to grieve appropriately, but move more into your dream. Remind yourself that the last time something made you feel like this, it was one of the best things that happened to you, and so is this. If you feel that it would serve you to talk it out, don’t hesitate to connect with me. That’s what I am here for.
PS: Thank you Chris. Just for being that guy!
Until next time…